leevardi

 Well I got a new battery for my notebook a while ago, and still I have not updated with anything new. 
So. . . expect a new [real] post soon. Eheheheeh

I feel like I’ve been neglecting my poor LJ. Which I kind of have :-/
So until I get a new battery for my laptop, my Twitter shall provide random quips about my life.

I need a new battery for my laptop. That is all.

Hahahahahaha: Funny!

The notion of death has always been this very abstract thing.
Yet it surrounds us all, and we don’t even bat an eyelash. The grief one is stricken with is surreal. You realize then, that death is this creeping force. It blindly chooses, and it blindly strikes. And when stricken it’s intense. It’s so intense, that your mind goes numb, while your heart painfully pounds the blood through your neck. I wish I could make the pain go away, not for me, but for those whom are within the proximity of the blow. The center of the trauma. All we can do is pray—hope. Truly hope. To leave it in the hands of a higher, more cosmic influence. We are all at its mercy. We must accept this and push forward.

. . . . .


To leave on a lighter note:
This TV dinner is incredibly cute.

My niece Jaycen (yes, she is a girl) got her first haircut today.

Her hair was very long, as you can see.


I think she looks better with shorter hair. She has the face for it.


How very cute.

Augh. My migraines are getting worse and worse. I can’t keep on like this. For serious, sheesh! In other news I’ve made some new goals for myself:

More drawing (a web comic’s brewing, maybe one page a week?)
More writing
More running (maybe everyday instead of just three times a week?)
More. . . Hmmm, that’s all I can think of.

Well, that’s good enough to start with!

Anyhow, I think I might try getting a job at the mall. A store’s opening up there, and I’m hoping to snatch up a position. If not, then oh well, some other time. But better yet! If I can get my hands on a vehicle, I can then pimp myself for an internship somewhere. I’m willing to do work for free, that is, if it’ll benefit me in the long run.

I’m also still hopelessly in love. Damnit. And it grows, and grows, and grows. . . yet leads nowhere.

I am now officially a member of Phi Theta Kappa. Whoohoo~!

I’ve been studying to convert to Judaism. This is a good thing.

^ This is what I've been working on. The anatomy's wonky though.

Also I seem to have caught a serious cold.

I swear, I think I might have this: en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dyscalculia

It would explain a lot.

I was tagged on Facebook by a friend, but instead of posting it there I decided my lonely LJ should have it. Plus I don’t feel like tagging 25 other people.

1. I observe audience members while watching movies at the theatre.

2. I love beat poetry readings, even though I don’t understand what the hell’s going on most of the time.

3. My friend broke a broom stick across my back while we were fighting.

4. I once had a blonde afro.

5. I pick my food apart while eating.

6. I only yawn when I have headaches, or when I’m nauseous.

7. I love first person shooter games even though they make me scream.

8. I hate it when guys wear nail polish.

9. I think Indian chicks are hot.

10. I don’t mind going to the dentist, I actually find the whole process thrilling.

11. I use painting and steam of consciousness writing as a way to vent emotionally.

12. When I was a kid I used to make up a different personality for every month.

13. I broke my arm in front of a Denny’s Restaurant.

14. I have an affinity for Jazz.

15. I’m actually a morning person, everything just seems so fresh and peaceful at that time.

16. I love it when people dance together in large groups.

17. I’m constantly thinking up new characters and story plots.

18. My favorite Marvel superhero is Chamber.

19. I always wanted to learn how to play the Harpsichord.

20. The older I get, the more obsessive compulsive I become.

21. I don’t like planning too far ahead.

22. I really enjoy intimate conversations with friends.

23. I’m attracted to people who kind of look like me.

24. I’m a fashion fiend!

25. I don’t like washing the dishes because it always feels like someone’s behind me.

Ahhh~ Hello my forgotten LJ!
Let’s see, I suppose I should bring you up to speed.
Classes started up again. I’m taking Intermediate Life Drawing, Intro to Theatre, and Philosophy. So far I enjoy all of my classes, although my art’s a bit wonky right now (but there’s other reasons for that). What else? I’ve been using my Saturdays for laundry, while Sundays are spent with my two favorite people in the world: Donna and Deb. Everyday I workout while watching reruns of Sex and the City. And once the rain stops I’ll be starting a daily morning jog, which I’m pretty stoked about. Nights are usually spent reading, which is nothing new really. Also I’ve pretty much replaced my daily consumption of soda with various sports drinks and teas.

Life’s good, no complaints. My parents are happy, so I’m happy. Which I am entirely grateful for.

Speaking of parents, last Friday we all went out to dinner (our usual tradition). It was a new restaurant this time. I got really drunk so I can’t say if I enjoyed the food or not. But I managed to sober up somewhat before Dollhouse came on. What an awesome show! Oh, and apparently when drunk, I can do a bitchin’ impression of Elvis.

Saturday was laundry day, and with both of my parents at work I decided to clean the very dirty house. It proved to be too much for me though, and my Dad came home early to find the house in even more of a jumble. And then a miracle! He started, silently, picking things up. Then he started organizing, and before I knew it, we were working as a team, doing our best to clean our dump of a home. We finally took the Christmas tree down too (yeah I know, sick). Our humble abode is back to livable again, huzzah!

What else, what else? Oh yeah, D (mentioned in a previous post) and I became very friendly with one another. Our relationship was very, very, very physical. And as much as I liked our little rendezvous I just wasn’t feeling that spark. So I finally mustered up the courage and broke it off with him. And what a little bugger! He would not back down without a fight! Jesus, I don’t know what it is with this one, but nothing, and I mean nothing would get him off my back. He wanted a legitimate reason as to why I didn’t want to get “serious” with him. I told him all sorts of things: I really feel nothing for you, you kind of scare me, I can’t be myself around you, we don’t have anything in common, I’m just not that into you, etc. . .

He just stood there saying, “Not good enough” and “I don’t believe you” and so on. The reasons I provided were all true, but there was something else that was keeping me from getting “serious” with him. I didn’t know if I could say it, simply because I felt sort of stupid about it. But I finally gave in and told him why I couldn’t be with him, and forgive me for sounding cheesy, but the reason was and is: “I’m in love with someone else.”

Now let me preface: I’ve had a few relationships up until now, and there’s not one person from that bunch who’s made my heart throb with searing pain, who was completely and always on my mind, who just at the sight of them made me stop all thoughts and focus all of my attention entirely on them. I’m a very selfish, shallow, horrible person, with wondering eyes and none of those people have broken these parts to me. But the one I’m pretty sure I’m in love with has done all that and more. Oy vey.

I’m an avid believer of lust at first sight, but when I first saw this person, they just. . . Well let’s just say I finally understood what “awestruck” meant. And ever since that damned day I’ve been lost, gaga, giddy. I feel sooooo incredibly lonely when they’re not near. And when they are near I feel, God I don’t know, I feel damn good! They make me want to be a better person, they make me want to smile all the time, they make me want to give to charity and save lives, and just fill the world with love. I’ve never, ever, felt this way before. It’s wonderful, but a bit frightening.

And what’s really frightening to me is that I don’t want to jump their bones. I don’t feel all sexual around them. I don’t want to growl and taste their lips. I just. . . want to be with them. And I don’t know what to do, because each day that goes by without them. . . I really want to tell them how I feel, but I’m on foreign grounds here. All of the people I’ve dated have come up to me. I’ve never approached anyone in my life, I don’t know what to do. And I’m just so out of touch with my emotions I’m afraid that if I do try and say something, it’ll just not come out. I’ll be left standing there, mouth working its way open and close, eyes watering, body shaking. I just can’t voice those feelings. And I can’t write to them either, because my writing abilities can’t even compete with these abstract feelings I have for them. And if I did managed the balls to say something, I’d be afraid of the answer. If they were not interested, or worse, taken already, it would break my heart, and I’m not sure if I could handle that gracefully. If loving them secretly is painful in itself, then the rejection would surly hurt even more. . . But I’m getting off subject here.

So I told D. He was hurt and shocked, but he understood. I care for D, but feeling what I feel for that other person just seemed unfair to D. And as much as I hate being alone, I would rather be alone than pretend to love him.

And to end on a lighter note: I’ve had this song stuck on repeat in my head for a couple days now.

Conchas don't get enough love, and they're delicious! A beautiful harmony of sweet and soft; it's like eating a cloud. A baby cloud made of perfect sugar and dough. They come in all sorts of sizes and colors. If you've never had a Concha I recommend you try one.

Ugh, this whole D business is getting rather tiresome. No wonder I can’t stand relationships. No matter how warm and bubbly they make me feel, I just really need my space.

As for the New Years, I had one hell of one. Nothing gets my blood pumping like a loud party, and some late night drama to follow.

And as for Arizona, well, there’s no way in hell I’m leaving southern California for that place. The people there are just so. . . square. No offense to any Arizonian, I just prefer the hard to please, yet oh so laid back lifestyle of the sunshine state. Plus I get bored seeing nothing but white people surrounding me, I need diversity.

Now, I’m off to go start some resolutions!

So my ex (I’ll call him “D”) and I decided to go out for a late night stroll. (Which in hindsight was kind of stupid, considering the weather’s been fricken freezing lately), but the walk warmed us up. D was wearing a black beanie, some black Dickies, and a cozy jacket. I was decked out in a scarf, an oversized coat, and running pants; I also managed to salvage some gloves.

Anyhow, we walked here and there, grabbed some coffee, and made small chitchat about this and that. Now I’m with my ex here. The two of us started talking recently, and I couldn’t help but wonder if we could possibly be together again. I say this because we’re so much alike, and since I’m practically in love with myself I thought a relationship with (well basically me) could work out. I think he felt this too. So as we hung out, it felt like something needed to be said but the two of us were too chicken to say it. After all, it has been about 10 years since the two of us broke up, and the notion of suddenly hooking up again seemed really strange.

D had the courage (not surprisingly) to say something. We sat down outside, and stared at the water fountain near us. It was pretty late, and there was really no one around. So D and I decided to huddle close and keep each other warm. I really don’t like being close to anyone (guy or girl), but with D I couldn’t help but feel safe and extremely comfortable. So he started on about us, and I just sat, silent, my head on his shoulder (with an eye out to make sure no one saw us this close) and listened. His voice was smooth, and I could hear him sniffle every now and then from the cold. He basically said what was on my mind. So I asked, “Then what should we do?” He just closed his eyes and sighed. I could feel him shrug gently.

Slightly frustrated I pulled back from him and cursed silently. The problem with me (and therefore him) was that saying exactly what’s on my mind isn’t entirely easy. He had the courage to say something, but there was still more to it, and he couldn’t properly voice whatever it was. And neither could I. The situation may have sounded tense, but it really wasn’t, in fact it felt very friendly. . .

So we gave each other goofy smiles, and side glances. We joked around and laughed. The area was completely empty now, so D pulled really close to me, I could smell his cologne. “You know,” he said, “we were kind of young when we first kissed. . .” I chuckled nervously, my head reeling. I had dismissed how good-looking he was, how friendly his face was, how high his cheekbones were. . . And I couldn’t help but feel so inadequate, so I looked away, the blood rushing to my face. And all these horrible thoughts filled my head, and I suddenly wanted to lock myself underground, away from him and everyone else.

He pulled in closer though, and I could feel his breath against my ear. I could feel one of his arms snaking around me, and suddenly the feeling of inadequacy just left, and by God I wanted him! I bit my bottom lip and looked at him, holding back the urge to maul him. “What about it?” I asked, my voice cracking a little. But all he did was smirk, and he laced his fingers in my scarf, pulling me even closer (He was being rough, just how I like it). He then said something to the effect of, “When you smile like that, your lips look like a cat’s.” We then sniggered at one another, our lips so damn close.

I feel that it would be anticlimactic to say that we kissed, but we did. And damn, it was one hell of a kiss! I don’t know where D’s beanie went, but it ended up somewhere, because that’s how crazy my hands were going through his hair, although they later rested on the back of his neck, where with a mind of their own, messaged his flesh. It’s been a while since I’ve kissed a guy (there’s only been girls quite recently), and baby Jesus did I miss it! There’s something about kissing a guy that just doesn’t match up to the power of a girl’s. I mean, he was doing everything right! He pulled gently on my hair, he sucked on my bottom lip, he moaned that oh-so-right moan into my mouth. It was perfect. But I couldn’t help but feel, that it wasn’t right.

Breathless, we pulled away. The two of us smiling bashfully at one another. I wasn’t sure if I could say it, but I gathered the balls and said, “I didn’t feel anything D.” He was wiping a corner of his mouth when I said this, and upon registering what had just been said his mouth dropped open. “Are you kidding me?” I mentally slapped myself and explained that although I did feel something (something was really NOT the word), I didn’t feel that special spark. It lit my fire alright, but it felt like a hot, fast fire. Not the smoldering long one I’ve been wanting. He agreed.

We made out some more, and then parted, agreeing that a relationship between us wasn’t going to work out. I remember walking home alone, feeling okay with that.

It seems to me that every couple of months or so I obsess over something (or someone) new. It’s this endless, horrible cycle. Built upon compulsions, infatuations, and the need to absorb and retain every morsel of said journey.

And I can’t help but wonder: why exactly do I do this?

It’s as if I’m filling this hole within myself. I’m not satisfied until I fully exhaust whatever it is I’m possessed over. But if I manage to stop, if I manage to control this habit, what will happen then? How will I change?

Hmmm.

I wonder if such behavior is unhealthy.

Whoohoo~! Go MAGNUM: www.migraines.org/

I don’t think the general public takes migraine sufferers seriously. I’ve lived with them for nine years, they’re very debilitating and irritating. It’s nice to see some support.

Needless to say, Mr. Turkey was the perfect size for the amount of people we had coming over. Afterward we gathered around the TV set and watched the French horror film Inside.